Day: September 19, 2017

Andrew: “Believe this!”

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Andrew: “Boy, my house would stink if I lived with a little boy. Sorry, everybody. I’m not trying to be mean.”

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Andrew: “Do that!”

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Andrew: “He says, ‘spreadshee’! This is a real example of spreadshee-ing in the wild!”

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Andrew: “Hey, I’m not out of bubblegum. We’re good for a while.”

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Andrew: “I have a book I need to return to the library; cuz, I’m… just… a nerd”

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Andrew: “I’m not trying to be creepy here”

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Andrew: Laughing

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Andrew: “Mwah!”

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Andrew: “No fathers left behind. That’s what I say.”

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Andrew: “Now, I’m freaking out; because, my favorite little place, that doesn’t usually have enough space as it is… it’s now gonna be overrun by any goddamn tourist in town. Let alone, the other people who just love here and didn’t know about this place. It’s gonna be filled with Bourdain-heads… really irritates me.”

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Andrew: “Oh my God, the Sausage Fest is happening right now!”

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Andrew: Random sounds playing on Andrew’s end

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Andrew: “Sorry to be typical Andrew here”

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Andrew: “That would kill me as a kid”

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Andrew: Trying to make the Top Story drop sound

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Andrew: “What are you trying to pull, Burbank?”

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Andrew and Luke: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce, who? Lettuce pray. That doesn’t even make sense. No it doesn’t.”

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Andrew and Luke: “Speaking of friends, Luke Burbank. Yeah?”

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Andrew and Luke: “There are dozens of us (That’s amazing!) Dozens! Dozens!”

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Luke: “He came here to chew bubblegum and be part of a Sausage Fest; and, he’s all out of bubblegum (Don’t miss the Sausage Fest!)”

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Luke: “How… dare you… come… here and say that?”

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Luke: “I wanted to be Goofus”

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Luke: “So, I’m definitely… I’m pulling some online dating bullshit”

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Luke: “Sorry, Rudy. You’re coming with me, bud.”

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Luke: “You have no idea how fun… and sexy… this time is for me”

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Luke and Andrew: “But, I don’t look that part. And, also, I’m just kind of like… kind of a schlub, and I’m also often, like, I have tattoos and I’m wearing like… You’re not a schlub! I’m not a schlub; but, what I mean is, I just don’t, when I walk into a room, I don’t think people go like, ‘Oh, that guy’s probably a TV correspondent'”

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Luke and Andrew: Luke singing the McDonald’s jingle and Andrew singing “We’re communists!”

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Luke and Andrew: “They just upper-decked you just to let you know they could. Right!”

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Andrew: “Although, I’d rather have it be, like, blood on my face, then, like, an accident in my pants, or something”

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Andrew: “Blow that horn”

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Andrew: “Burbank… when ya nailed it… [sic] ya nail it, man!”

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Andrew: “God! Remember when I went to the gym!”

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Andrew: “Hey, did you see what I tweeted today?”

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Andrew: “How was that for coming out of the, coming out of the box hot today?”

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Andrew: “I’m done”

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Andrew: “I’m killing it though on e-mails today”

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Andrew: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Are you, are you Luke Bur–Luke Burbank? Is that a soul patch of blood or a goatee of deodorant? Just to settle a bet.”

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Andrew: “I’m… doing this all live; cuz, I’m a multi-talented podcaster”

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Andrew: “It sounds like it was the most dignified failure… in the history of live performances”

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Andrew: “It’s some cat, daddy-o, is at my door!”

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Andrew: Mimicking how GPS systems incorrectly pronounce “Sepulveda”

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Andrew: “Not everybody… has a ciotka. And, not everybody has a babcia.”

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Andrew: Saying “It’s not a tuber!” as Arnold Schwarzenegger

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Andrew: Saying “There’s a… mouse… in my beer” in a sing-songy manner

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Andrew: Saying “Thirty-seven pitches in the first inning” in a sing-songy manner

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Andrew: Snorting

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Andrew: “That would be deflating”

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Andrew: “That’s swass”

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Andrew and Luke: “And also, (Yeah) now… shoe’s on the other foot. Let me see you do this, Michelle! Yeah. Oh, you can probably do this.”

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Andrew and Luke: “I want you to buy the styptic stick with the money that you got for doing the event Saturday night. And, I want you to use the TBTL money… to buy me better jokes that (Okay) I can use on the show”

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Luke: “Andrew said this; and, then I said this!”

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Luke: “At some point… I am putting deodorant on my face”

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Luke: “But, I spray it on there, and it… not only did it burn like a mother… but… it also like… it like, liquified everything; so, then, I went right back to… basically having a soul patch of blood. Which, would be a decent… name for a Spin Doctor’s cover band.”

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Luke: “But, it’s… sorry to be gross… it’s bleeding profusely. And, there’s nothing I can do… to stop the bleeding.”

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Luke: “He was just like… just… his… his bunghole must have be [sic] clenched, must have been clenched so tight”

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Luke: “I had walked into the event… still with my soul patch of blood”

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Luke: “I, I woke up this morning. The rain was just… pounding down on the house. And, I was, like, running around the house in… me undies like a madman… worried about the basement. Everything’s okay.”

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Luke: “If I get body swapped, if I end up, if I Freaky Friday into someone’s body… right as they’re about doing something… really hard”

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Luke: “It’s not the water!!”

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Luke: Saying “He did not!” as Tommy Wiseau

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Luke: Saying “Look at me. Call me Mr. Butterfingers.” as the Joe Earley character in UHF

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Luke: Singing “And a beer”

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Luke: “So, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about”

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Luke and Andrew: “Their donations are what will eventually allow me to finally get a styptic stick… That’s now where you’re money is going, people. In a roundabout way”

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