Author: Linh Pham

Luke: “I was really feeling pretty high on my own supply”

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Luke: “I, I don’t believe in, like, hocus pocus.”

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Luke: Laughing

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Luke: “OMG”

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Luke: “OMG, it is time, once again, for a Monday afternoon edition of TBTL, the show that might just be Too Beautiful To Live.”

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Luke: Saying “I am not a crook” as Nixon

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Luke: Saying “I am not a lawyer” as Nixon

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Luke: “She’s gone Hollywood.”

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Luke: Singing “Pick up the red pube!”

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Luke: Singing “Who will die-hi-hi-hi-hi, who will die-hi, who will die-hi” to the Game of Thrones theme

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Luke: “The second that the fame train pulled out of the station, she was on it, she was riding it, and we haven’t seen her since. And, it’s sad, it really changes the dog, it really does. (Perro)”

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Luke: “We’re just ready to bring you the, the, the, the pure, uncut, distilled drop that is episode #2145 in a collector’s series.”

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Luke: “Which is… ridiculous.”

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Luke: “Wristy Business”

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Luke and Andrew: Bowel Movements

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Luke and Andrew: “Can I get up and play in your (Right) excavator?”

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Luke and Andrew: “Hot the dogs, ha the dogs, ha-dogs, ha-dog. It took me a while to figure out what the shit you were doing there.”

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Luke and Andrew: “Including my wife who said, ‘You know, those sweats make you look like a child molester.’ Oh, wow!”

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Luke and Andrew: “It was (Wow) a, a bloodbath.”

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Luke and Andrew: Luke singing lyrics about bowling to the Game of Thrones theme

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Luke and Andrew: “No, no. It’s a, it’s a pube. Okay.”

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Luke and Andrew: “OMG, I’m raising Andrew. (Nice!) Does this resonate with you? Yes. And you are raising Andrew. God bless you.”

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Luke and Andrew: “Raising Andrew-zona. Okay, Raising Andrew-zona.”

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Luke and Andrew: “When I start looking at the menu, I’m like, what is meat and cheese cuz that’s all stuff I can have. And someday, you will poop again.”

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Luke and Andrew: “You don’t like to, you don’t like to get together with the fellas and shoot some dunks? I love shooting dunks when possible.”

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Andrew: “Because I don’t have tons of fellas in my life”

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Andrew: “But, that didn’t stop me, Luke.”

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Andrew: “By the way”

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Andrew: “Eww”

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Andrew: Gurgly “All”

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Andrew: “I am so ready to be an old man!”

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Andrew: “I don’t have a rhyme. I don’t have a reason. I’m just junked up in the head, because of, like, because of influences over me when I was a little kid.”

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Andrew: “I mean, if Cleveland had lost this, like it would’ve just been, it’d have been like the, the groundhog. It would’ve been another 60 years of winter…”

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Andrew: “I will totally old man it.”

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Andrew: “I will totally old man it. I am so ready to be an old man!”

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Andrew: “I would say that this show is going to be all 360 spins and slam dunk pointers, Luke.”

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Andrew: “I, um, well I don’t want reality to take the piss out of that wonderful scenario.”

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Andrew: “If she laps me, or she even, if she gets ahead of me, I, I don’t know what I can say about the future of this podcast.”

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Andrew: “It took me a while to figure out what the shit you were doing there.”

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Andrew: Laughing

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Andrew: Laughing #2

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Andrew: Laughing #3

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Andrew: “Now stop gnashing your teeth, Jesus Christ!”

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Andrew: “Oh, The Static!”

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Andrew: “Oh, wow!”

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Andrew: “Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah. Absolutely.”

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Andrew: “Raising Ariz-Andrew”

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Andrew: “Really?!?!”

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Andrew: “She was… dating.”

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Andrew: Singing “Important show, important show” to the West Wing theme

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Andrew: “So self-serious!”

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Andrew: “So, I’m a little sore today, cuz you use muscles you don’t usually use.”

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Andrew: “We want a pitching machine, not a belly-itching machine.”

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Andrew: “Well, what was your sock situation though?”

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Andrew: “What I don’t know about the law could, obviously, fill a room.”

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Andrew and Luke: “I knew something (Oh) was wrong as it was coming out of my mouth, something was wrong with that spoof.”

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Andrew and Luke: “It’s just, it’s science, (Yeah) it’s about, it’s the science of curses.”

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Andrew and Luke: Rending versus Rendering

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Andrew and Luke: Statue of Liberation/Libertation and Statutes of Limitations

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Andrew and Luke: “Touch ’em all, man. Touch ’em all.”

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Luke: “Aw, man. It’s not from a female. This one’s from a male named ‘Andrew Walsh’.”

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Luke: “But Andrew, she wasn’t out of the woods yet.”

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Luke: “Can’t stop it, sometimes it just happens. It just comes out of me.”

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Luke: Chuckling

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Luke: “I don’t like murderers, y’all!”

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Luke: “I know, right?”

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Luke: “I’ll dazzle you with one other deet.”

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Luke: Luke wants to lodge a small thorn of truth in Nancy Grace’s foot

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Luke: “Northwest Territory, uh, just a little south of Yellowknife. God, that is remote sounding.”

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Luke: “Oh my God!!!”

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Luke: “Please. There’s not paperwork.”

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Luke: “Pod-dog? Where is li’l Pod-dog? Umm, she is… (Perro) Actually, she’s Trench-Dog today. That sounds like that could be her rap name as well.”

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Luke: “Racism is wrong, y’all!”

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Luke: “Trench-Dog”

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Luke: “You know what? I was, I was cyberbullied to within an inch of my life last night. Okay? Don’t start with me.”

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Luke: “You suck!”

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Luke: “You’re a bad person if you’re, if you’re abusing…”

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Luke and Andrew: Andrew mean-mugging the camera and intense stare

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Luke and Andrew: Andrew saying “What you’re doing on this show is awful for humanity” would make for a good drop plus Marsupial Gurgle name drop

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Luke and Andrew: Caribou and Nunavut

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Luke and Andrew: “I would absolutely shit my Dockers, which is what I wear for mushroom hunting. (Mmm-hmm) I would shit my Dockers if there was a bear anywhere in my vicinity.”

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Luke and Andrew: “If you see something, shame something? Yeah.”

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Luke and Andrew: “It’s your photo, it’s your story, it’s your call. It’s a beautiful story, it’s not a beautiful photo.”

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Luke and Andrew: Luke describing how he would try to shut down Nancy Grace

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Luke and Andrew: Luke pulled a Nunavut joke and Andrew was late at catching it

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Luke and Andrew: Luke sings and make up lyrics to the “Forensic Files” theme song

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Luke and Andrew: “Wow! I didn’t know this… his debut single was ‘Toot It And Boot It’? Oh, that’s him?!? (This is what…) Wait, what?!?”

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Luke and Andrew: “Wow! Yeah. (Wow!) He was a real, like that’s… This is incredible, wow!”

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Andrew: “Don’t… don’t make it weird!”

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Andrew: “Glasses off, hair down.”

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Andrew: “Glasses off, hair whatever.”

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Andrew: “I honestly don’t know. I mean, I would just be a puddle of a mess.”

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Andrew: “I just look like a weirdo without glasses.”

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Andrew: “I’m just like, so eye-rolly, I’m just like, ‘Whatever’.”

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Andrew: “I’m just trying to make this about Canada.”

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Andrew: “It is so upsetting!”

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Andrew: “It is… weird looking.”

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Andrew: Laughing and saying “Right. Exactly.”

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Andrew: Laughing while saying “I don’t have that one. That’s the best one.”

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Andrew: “My driver license photo, I look like a man who just did something awful, and is kind of pleased with himself.”

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Andrew: “Nancy, what you’re doing on this show is awful for humanity.”

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Andrew: “Oh my God… how?”

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Andrew: “Oh, Lordy!”

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Andrew: “Oh, Nunavut! Son of a–I got it.”

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Andrew: “So I take off my glasses, they take this unflattering photo… The camera is a little bit below me, so just it’s a lot of chin. I have this kind of lazy eye thing, and it look like, my, my one eye might have been, just, a tiny bit wondering. I just look like a weirdo without glasses.”

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Andrew: “Sorry.”

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Andrew: “That’s weird!”

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Andrew: “The glasses are a huge part of my face.”

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Andrew: “This is an image I’ve never seen before in my life.”

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Andrew: “Uhhh, is the equipment working? We’re live!”

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Andrew: “Umm, that’s ambitious, but I like it.”

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Andrew: “What you’re doing on this show is awful for humanity.”

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Andrew: “When I take my glasses off, I’m very discombobulated.”

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Andrew and Luke: Andrew saying how he would shut down Nancy Grace

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Andrew and Luke: “Oh, your Music For Your Weekend. Oh, sorry, gotcha. He’s not out of the woods yet! (Ha-ha!)”

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Andrew and Luke: “The sad thing is… clearly, this story is a fake, right? You think so? No, I’m just joking.”

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Andrew and Luke: “Was it a bear problem… or a bear blessing!”

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Luke: “And he kind of whips it around in some kind of a bizarre, like, cinnamon roll of hair.”

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Luke: “And wondering (Perro) where the Pod-dog is… Yeah, that didn’t work.”

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Luke: “Bro-ing it up, as it were.”

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Luke: Chuckling

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Luke: “Cinnamon roll of hair”

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Luke: Giggling

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Luke: “I know!”

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Luke: “I’m a grown-ass man, I’m 40 years old. I’ve done… things.”

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Luke: “I’m in a world of pain, I’m in a world of hurt right here at the top of the show.”

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Luke: “I’m turning into the little kid I never was.”

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Luke: “I’ve got some thoughts on The Donald’s hair”

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Luke: “It would have been fodder for the show, because it would have killed me. So, I mean, it would have been kind of cool to narrate that, for the listeners; to get to, like just listen to like a three day process. By, during which time, a podcast host expires from physical exhaustion and exertion.”

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Luke: “It’s an art and science I’m well familiar with.”

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Luke: Laughing while Andrew is talking

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Luke: Making throat clearing noises and saying “Donald Trump” and “Paul Ryan”

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Luke: “Please save me.”

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Luke: “Please, tell me what I have to do to get you to make this cable go through this wall. Please.”

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Luke: Snickering

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Luke: “Well, yeah. Bourbon Street is just, basically, a river of throw up.”

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Luke: “Which, you’re almost never being a pain in anyone’s butt.”

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Luke: “Yeah, no. We’re doing, we’re doing it legit. We’re, we’re keeping it real.”

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Luke and Andrew: “Hey, we, we, we decided to make queso fundido (Right) with a side of Limburger. Right.”

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Luke and Andrew: “It would be great. It would be awful!”

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Luke and Andrew: “It would feel like ramen noodles covered in Aqua Net. Oof, oh God. Are you hungry? Yes! Mmm.”

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Luke and Andrew: “It’s not funny. It’s not funny, but it’s kind of funny to me. Yeah.”

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Luke and Andrew: “Look who made it, Pod-dog! Aww. What’s up dude?”

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Andrew: “Are you here to Dougie? Show me how to Dougie!”

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Andrew: “As far as I’m concerned, like, there’s no way any of those are getting in, into my mouth. It’s a Hidden Valley Ranch in my mouth.”

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Andrew: “Can we just go out? I don’t like food that you cook. Like, I would be just be like, ‘Show me!'”

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Andrew: Cute end to Andrew’s laugh

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Andrew: “Early onset grumpiness”

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Andrew: “For some reason, coming out of my mouth, it sounded weird; but, so do most words.”

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Andrew: “God damn it, that was my out.”

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Andrew: “Hello, Luke. How ya doin’?”

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Andrew: “Hey-hey, ho-ho-ho-ho.”

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Andrew: “History is not gonna be on my side when it comes to the air conditioner wars.”

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Andrew: “I don’t know. It’s just, it’s just what I like and what I don’t like.”

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Andrew: “I know, but it gets complicated.”

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Andrew: “I loved playing with fake trucks and real dirt.”

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Andrew: “I was pretty eye-rolly with him.”

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Andrew: “I’m such a weird, weird-ass, picky eater.”

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Andrew: “It was so good. It was so damn good.”

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Andrew: “It’s a Hidden Valley Ranch in my mouth.”

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Andrew: “Kids are turtling too much!”

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Andrew: “Like, cook as if I’m twelve.”

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Andrew: “Like, whatever.”

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Andrew: “Mayonnaise sandwich, or some shit.”

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Andrew: “Oh boy, let’s go. La-Di-Da, Cha-Cha-Cha.”

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Andrew: “Oh boy, let’s go. La-Di-Da, Cha-Cha-Cha.” #2

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Andrew: “Oh good, there’s salad! And then, somebody crumbled some sort of white and gray shitty cheese in here; and, you’re like, son of a bitch!”

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Andrew: “Oh, Dad.”

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Andrew: “Oh, hell yeah!”

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Andrew: “So, what’s, what’s a telephone?”

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Andrew: “Son of a bitch!”

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Andrew: “That was a weird thing to say.”

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Andrew: “That’s the one exception that proves the rule.”

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Andrew: “That’s the suburban Andrew in me.”

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Andrew: “Will you go in the hottub with me?”

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Andrew: “Will you go to prom with me?”

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Andrew and Luke: Andrew recommends Luke go “Sexy Beast” when the trench digger arrives

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Andrew and Luke: “It’s what they call 4-D theater, it really is just like… It was an (Yeah) immersive experience. Unfortunately, yeah, it was in Smell-O-Vision. Yes.”

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Andrew and Luke: Small Bites at the Throat Clearing Apple

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Andrew and Luke: “Somebody comes over here… This is the library at Howard University, what are you doing?”

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Andrew and Luke: “Would you say it was a trenchant story? Oh, shit! Ohh!!! God, now! No, I deserve the applause on that one.”

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