Category: Audio Clips

Andrew: “Believe this!”

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Andrew: “Boy, my house would stink if I lived with a little boy. Sorry, everybody. I’m not trying to be mean.”

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Andrew: “Do that!”

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Andrew: “He says, ‘spreadshee’! This is a real example of spreadshee-ing in the wild!”

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Andrew: “Hey, I’m not out of bubblegum. We’re good for a while.”

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Andrew: “I have a book I need to return to the library; cuz, I’m… just… a nerd”

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Andrew: “I’m not trying to be creepy here”

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Andrew: Laughing

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Andrew: “Mwah!”

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Andrew: “No fathers left behind. That’s what I say.”

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Andrew: “Now, I’m freaking out; because, my favorite little place, that doesn’t usually have enough space as it is… it’s now gonna be overrun by any goddamn tourist in town. Let alone, the other people who just love here and didn’t know about this place. It’s gonna be filled with Bourdain-heads… really irritates me.”

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Andrew: “Oh my God, the Sausage Fest is happening right now!”

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Andrew: Random sounds playing on Andrew’s end

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Andrew: “Sorry to be typical Andrew here”

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Andrew: “That would kill me as a kid”

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Andrew: Trying to make the Top Story drop sound

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Andrew: “What are you trying to pull, Burbank?”

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Andrew and Luke: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce, who? Lettuce pray. That doesn’t even make sense. No it doesn’t.”

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Andrew and Luke: “Speaking of friends, Luke Burbank. Yeah?”

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Andrew and Luke: “There are dozens of us (That’s amazing!) Dozens! Dozens!”

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Luke: “He came here to chew bubblegum and be part of a Sausage Fest; and, he’s all out of bubblegum (Don’t miss the Sausage Fest!)”

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Luke: “How… dare you… come… here and say that?”

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Luke: “I wanted to be Goofus”

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Luke: “So, I’m definitely… I’m pulling some online dating bullshit”

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Luke: “Sorry, Rudy. You’re coming with me, bud.”

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Luke: “You have no idea how fun… and sexy… this time is for me”

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Luke and Andrew: “But, I don’t look that part. And, also, I’m just kind of like… kind of a schlub, and I’m also often, like, I have tattoos and I’m wearing like… You’re not a schlub! I’m not a schlub; but, what I mean is, I just don’t, when I walk into a room, I don’t think people go like, ‘Oh, that guy’s probably a TV correspondent'”

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Luke and Andrew: Luke singing the McDonald’s jingle and Andrew singing “We’re communists!”

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Luke and Andrew: “They just upper-decked you just to let you know they could. Right!”

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Andrew: “Although, I’d rather have it be, like, blood on my face, then, like, an accident in my pants, or something”

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Andrew: “Blow that horn”

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Andrew: “Burbank… when ya nailed it… [sic] ya nail it, man!”

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Andrew: “God! Remember when I went to the gym!”

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Andrew: “Hey, did you see what I tweeted today?”

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Andrew: “How was that for coming out of the, coming out of the box hot today?”

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Andrew: “I’m done”

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Andrew: “I’m killing it though on e-mails today”

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Andrew: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Are you, are you Luke Bur–Luke Burbank? Is that a soul patch of blood or a goatee of deodorant? Just to settle a bet.”

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Andrew: “I’m… doing this all live; cuz, I’m a multi-talented podcaster”

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Andrew: “It sounds like it was the most dignified failure… in the history of live performances”

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Andrew: “It’s some cat, daddy-o, is at my door!”

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Andrew: Mimicking how GPS systems incorrectly pronounce “Sepulveda”

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Andrew: “Not everybody… has a ciotka. And, not everybody has a babcia.”

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Andrew: Saying “It’s not a tuber!” as Arnold Schwarzenegger

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Andrew: Saying “There’s a… mouse… in my beer” in a sing-songy manner

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Andrew: Saying “Thirty-seven pitches in the first inning” in a sing-songy manner

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Andrew: Snorting

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Andrew: “That would be deflating”

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Andrew: “That’s swass”

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Andrew and Luke: “And also, (Yeah) now… shoe’s on the other foot. Let me see you do this, Michelle! Yeah. Oh, you can probably do this.”

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Andrew and Luke: “I want you to buy the styptic stick with the money that you got for doing the event Saturday night. And, I want you to use the TBTL money… to buy me better jokes that (Okay) I can use on the show”

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Luke: “Andrew said this; and, then I said this!”

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Luke: “At some point… I am putting deodorant on my face”

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Luke: “But, I spray it on there, and it… not only did it burn like a mother… but… it also like… it like, liquified everything; so, then, I went right back to… basically having a soul patch of blood. Which, would be a decent… name for a Spin Doctor’s cover band.”

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Luke: “But, it’s… sorry to be gross… it’s bleeding profusely. And, there’s nothing I can do… to stop the bleeding.”

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Luke: “He was just like… just… his… his bunghole must have be [sic] clenched, must have been clenched so tight”

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Luke: “I had walked into the event… still with my soul patch of blood”

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Luke: “I, I woke up this morning. The rain was just… pounding down on the house. And, I was, like, running around the house in… me undies like a madman… worried about the basement. Everything’s okay.”

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Luke: “If I get body swapped, if I end up, if I Freaky Friday into someone’s body… right as they’re about doing something… really hard”

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Luke: “It’s not the water!!”

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Luke: Saying “He did not!” as Tommy Wiseau

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Luke: Saying “Look at me. Call me Mr. Butterfingers.” as the Joe Earley character in UHF

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Luke: Singing “And a beer”

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Luke: “So, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about”

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Luke and Andrew: “Their donations are what will eventually allow me to finally get a styptic stick… That’s now where you’re money is going, people. In a roundabout way”

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Andrew: “Alright, I’m moving in.”

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Andrew: “And, now!”

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Andrew: “Are you still there?”

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Andrew: “Are you sure?”

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Andrew: “I don’t want to be rude or cruel here… but, I did get something from our dear friend Linh Pham via the way of Twitter this week”

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Andrew: “I’m done with Shkrelli”

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Andrew: “I’m the what of podcasting?”

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Andrew: “It really makes the RZA kinda look… like a shit”

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Andrew: Laughing

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Andrew: “Oh, wonderful!”

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Andrew: Reacting to Luke playing a mashup of the “Top Story” drop and saying “I forgot I said that to you! I totally forgot I said that to you! Oh, wonderful!”

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Andrew: “Silver Rings got nothing on us! Are you shitting me!?”

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Andrew: Singing “Cleveland!”

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Andrew: Singing “KLF!”

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Andrew: Snorting

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Andrew: “Somebody is responsible for this show… and, it’s not you and and it’s not me”

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Andrew: “Straight up Quincy Jones produced that shit, Luke”

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Andrew and Luke: “Can you play that again? I’m obsessed with myself (Sure, absolutely)”

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Andrew and Luke: “For… for the RZA to do… just to his own, to his own… I don’t wanna say clan members… because… No. It just doesn’t sound good when I put it that way.”

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Andrew and Luke: “Sounds like I’m saying… ‘We’ve met’… Are you still there? I am, I’m just listening. Oh. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on.”

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Andrew and Luke: Things were even weirder before the show started taping

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Andrew and Luke: “You’re gonna like it! You’re gonna like it. That’s so cool… You’re gonna love the way you look. I’m Kurt Vile. I guarantee it.”

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Luke: “And, you know what’s in a Kraft Single? Magic.”

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Luke: “Bruh… bruh… do not get your hopes up”

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Luke: “By the way, I need to sharpshoot myself really quick. I know, I know it’s Sharpshoot Monday; and then… Have an Opinion Dummy Tuesday. And then, What Are You Thinking? Wednesday. And then… Too Soon? Thursday; and then… it’s Fucking Friday”

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Luke: “Dinner’s served!”

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Luke: “Essence… is our picture word”

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Luke: “He’s the Shy Ronnie of podcasting”

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Luke: “I’m full of regret today. I’m full of regret.”

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Luke: Laughing

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Luke: “Now, the problem is I talked over it; so, now there’s three… it’s a three-layer burrito”

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Luke: Singing “Roaring engines… headed somewhere in sight”

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Luke: Singing “Silver rings. Shining in the sunlight”

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Luke: Singing “Silver rings”

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Luke: Singing “Uh-huh, uh-huh”

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Luke: “This is, I, I, I… I meant to say at the top of the show, this is gonna be a weird one. I feel like I’m giving everyone that update… about fifteen minutes too late… into their life”

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Luke: “Too loud and too specific”

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Luke: “Will people please just have some faith in me and my comedy chops!?”

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Luke: “You’re much more immersed in the… in the world of the Wu”

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Luke and Andrew: “Essence is our picture word. Huh? Hmm. Erd?”

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Luke and Andrew: “I have no idea what’s going on. I don’t either!”

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Luke and Andrew: “Robyn? I know from comedy. Okay? (Oh, no)”

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Luke and Andrew: “Yeah, whatever. It’s Friday. Okay.”

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Luke and Andrew: “You’re gonna get some hop-ons. You’re gonna get some Wu-Tang hop-ons.”

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Luke: “All I have to do this afternoon is… record… one hour of imaginary radio… go for jog; and then, read two hundred more pages of a Salman Rushdie book… and, also write my monologue and write all the questions… and iron my suit… and, also, lint roll it; cuz, it’s pretty jacked up, I’ll be honest with you.”

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Luke: “Ding-dang Portland, Oregon”

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Luke: “Do you know what the White Chapel fatberg is?”

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Luke: “Don’t be a sketch-ball in the woods”

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Luke: “Hello, my Tayne”

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Luke: “I don’t wanna discombobulate and recombobulate”

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Luke: “I got your Dayton Peace Accord… right ‘ere!”

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Luke: “I spent like… thirty minutes last night… Tetris-ing this shit in there”

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Luke: “I… podcast more than anyone!”

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Luke: “It’s like Drogon the Dragon… farted on it”

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Luke: Laughing

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Luke: Making monkey sounds

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Luke: Preemptively apologizing and giving a trigger warning for the White Chapel fatberg talk

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Luke: Saying “Ehlo” in a British accent

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Luke: Saying “Hüsker Dü” in an exaggerated manner

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Luke: Singing “Closing Time”

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Luke: Singing “I ain’t much on bossa nova… me and Romeo ain’t never been friends”

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Luke: “Sorry, London… we done!”

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Luke: “That wasn’t a CD. That was my voice. All those sounds were coming from my bo-ody.”

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Luke: “That’s weird brag, but okay”

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Luke: “This is just… specific… for my friend Andy”

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Luke: “This is the last deet I’ll disgust you with”

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Luke: “Thwack”

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Luke: “Where did you get that drop from?”

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Luke: “Yah!”

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Luke: “You… hate my audio levels. You hate them.”

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Luke and Andrew: “How does this sounds to you now? (That sounds great, thank you) The right amount of bossa nova? Yes; but, it’s not the right amount of Boz. Boza nova! Boza nova!”

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Luke and Andrew: “I is afraid of that ghost. Yeah.”

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Luke and Andrew: “I mean, you sweat pee, don’t you? Isn’t that what you do? They sweat pee in heaven, don’t they? Wait, what?”

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Luke and Andrew: “It whelmed me, bro. (Oh, no!) I’m extremely whelmed by it.”

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Luke and Andrew: “Listen, Andrew. As we established yesterday… this is just about you and me. Right!”

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Luke and Andrew: “They’re, they’re like the m-monkeys in 2001: A Space Odyssey… Oddity. (Mmm-hmm) Odyssey.”

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Andrew: “Did you say, did you say ‘Ehlo’ or ‘Heelo’? [ph]“

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Andrew: Doing his version of the “Top Story” drop

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Andrew: Groaning Laugh

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Andrew: “I have a hot dog story for ya”

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Andrew: “I have a sad story”

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Andrew: “I might not be on my game today, Luke. I don’t know. Boy, good thing nobody else noticed.”

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Andrew: “I think that was… God in the machine, right there”

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Andrew: “Just keep on catching blue gill and put them in a bucket; but, now, I think about that bucket, and I’m like, ‘Well, that must’ve been awful for those fish'”

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Andrew: Laughing

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Andrew: Laughing #2

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Andrew: “Oh, that’s what you wanted to know”

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Andrew:Saying “Did you say ”ello’?” in a British accent

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Andrew: Saying “Some numbers are missing… by today’s standards” in response to a seven-digit phone number in a radio clip

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Andrew: “Speaking of things the listeners probably aren’t interested in”

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Andrew: “The famed Maris Talks of 2017?”

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Andrew: “Uhh, that’s worse!!”

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Andrew: “Was that a thing?”

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Andrew: “We noticed that the grass was dead. We thought it was just cuz of our… burning hot love… for each other. Emotional love! Don’t be gross. Don’t be a sketch-ball in the podcast either.”

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Andrew: “What!!?”

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Andrew: “What are you spoofing on?”

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Andrew: “Wow!”

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Andrew and Luke: “I’m learning a lot about how the human body works; and, it is true, the sweat glands are… directly connected, directly connected you the bladder. And, that’s how it works. Well, mine is broken then”

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Andrew and Luke: “Where was that dark memory hiding all this time? Underneath all the happiness! Under… all the unmitigated joy! Yeah, exactly. Under all the gambling and alcohol abuse!”

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